Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 9

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing Embraceable you in spats.

If my soul exists without my body I am convinced all my clothes will be loose-fitting.

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

I am an only child. I have one sister.

How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't even know how the can opener works!

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said "rabies". She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets… I thought she’d been bitten by a Great Dane.

God is either cruel or incompetent.

It’s just gossip, you know. Gossip is the new pornography.

I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.

We are the sum total of our choices...

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a beer and some meatballs.