Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 9

The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

To me there’s no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They’re all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.

God is either cruel or incompetent.

When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said "rabies". She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets… I thought she’d been bitten by a Great Dane.

Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a beer and some meatballs.

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing Embraceable you in spats.

It’s just gossip, you know. Gossip is the new pornography.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't even know how the can opener works!

Can you believe that? She says I’m not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for... Hitler?

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.