Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 9

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a beer and some meatballs.

The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

To me there’s no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They’re all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

God is either cruel or incompetent.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said "rabies". She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets… I thought she’d been bitten by a Great Dane.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't even know how the can opener works!

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing Embraceable you in spats.

Can you believe that? She says I’m not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for... Hitler?

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.