Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 9

How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't even know how the can opener works!

To me there’s no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They’re all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.

If my soul exists without my body I am convinced all my clothes will be loose-fitting.

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

It’s just gossip, you know. Gossip is the new pornography.

We are the sum total of our choices...

God is either cruel or incompetent.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

I am an only child. I have one sister.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.

When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said "rabies". She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets… I thought she’d been bitten by a Great Dane.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a beer and some meatballs.