Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 11

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

My films are a form of psychoanalysis, except that it is I who am paid, which changes everything.

I feel like we’re in a Noel Coward play. Someone should be making martinis.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

I can’t enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Life is hard for insects. And don't think mice are having any fun either.

When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.

With my complexion I don't tan, I stroke.

And how does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?

I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.

At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.

Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.

I don’t want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.