Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 11

I feel like we’re in a Noel Coward play. Someone should be making martinis.

I can’t enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

Man was made in God`s image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses?

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of my people, and I said I would like to live on in my apartment.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

Years ago I wrote this short story about my mother called "The Castrating Zionist".

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like.

I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.