Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 11

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of my people, and I said I would like to live on in my apartment.

Chapter One. He was as tough and romantic as the city he loved. Behind his black-rimmed glasses was the coiled sexual power of a jungle cat. Oh, I love this. New York was his town, and it always would be.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

You can't ride two horses with one behind.

When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.

I feel like we’re in a Noel Coward play. Someone should be making martinis.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.

Man was made in God`s image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses?

Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.