Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 11

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

I can’t enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening.

Chapter One. He was as tough and romantic as the city he loved. Behind his black-rimmed glasses was the coiled sexual power of a jungle cat. Oh, I love this. New York was his town, and it always would be.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

You can't ride two horses with one behind.

When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

I feel like we’re in a Noel Coward play. Someone should be making martinis.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.

Years ago I wrote this short story about my mother called "The Castrating Zionist".