Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 11

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Years ago I wrote this short story about my mother called "The Castrating Zionist".

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.

I feel like we’re in a Noel Coward play. Someone should be making martinis.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

And how does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?

When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.

I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.

At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.

I can’t enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening.

I don’t want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.

Life is hard for insects. And don't think mice are having any fun either.

With my complexion I don't tan, I stroke.

Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.