Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 11

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

My films are a form of psychoanalysis, except that it is I who am paid, which changes everything.

My parents were very old world. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.

I feel like we’re in a Noel Coward play. Someone should be making martinis.

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.

And how does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.

I can’t enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening.

At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.

With my complexion I don't tan, I stroke.

When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.

Life is hard for insects. And don't think mice are having any fun either.

I don’t want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.

Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.