Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 12

Years ago I wrote this short story about my mother called "The Castrating Zionist".

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

When a man is driving in a car and looks out the window and notices a woman with a great body, as he strains to check her face out, how does she know to keep turning so the back of her head is always toward him?

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.

Standard mathematics has recently been rendered obsolete by the discovery that for years we have been writing the numeral five backward. This has led to reevaluation of counting as a method of getting from one to ten. Students are taught advanced concepts of Boolean algebra, and formerly unsolvable equations are dealt with by threats of reprisals.

With my complexion I don't tan, I stroke.

I don’t want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.

I don't have to "freedom-kiss" my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

Life is hard for insects. And don't think mice are having any fun either.

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree", probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, "Be fruitful and multiply", but not in those words.

The heart is a very, very resilient little muscle. It really is.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.