Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 12

Standard mathematics has recently been rendered obsolete by the discovery that for years we have been writing the numeral five backward. This has led to reevaluation of counting as a method of getting from one to ten. Students are taught advanced concepts of Boolean algebra, and formerly unsolvable equations are dealt with by threats of reprisals.

Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.

With my complexion I don't tan, I stroke.

When a man is driving in a car and looks out the window and notices a woman with a great body, as he strains to check her face out, how does she know to keep turning so the back of her head is always toward him?

I don’t want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.

Life is hard for insects. And don't think mice are having any fun either.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, "Be fruitful and multiply", but not in those words.

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree", probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I don't have to "freedom-kiss" my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

Marriage is the death of hope.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.