Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 12

You can't ride two horses with one behind.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like.

Standard mathematics has recently been rendered obsolete by the discovery that for years we have been writing the numeral five backward. This has led to reevaluation of counting as a method of getting from one to ten. Students are taught advanced concepts of Boolean algebra, and formerly unsolvable equations are dealt with by threats of reprisals.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, "Be fruitful and multiply", but not in those words.

Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of my people, and I said I would like to live on in my apartment.

Marriage is the death of hope.

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

I am two with nature.

Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

When a man is driving in a car and looks out the window and notices a woman with a great body, as he strains to check her face out, how does she know to keep turning so the back of her head is always toward him?

I'm astounded by people who want to "know" the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.