Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 12

At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.

Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

With my complexion I don't tan, I stroke.

You can't ride two horses with one behind.

I don’t want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.

Standard mathematics has recently been rendered obsolete by the discovery that for years we have been writing the numeral five backward. This has led to reevaluation of counting as a method of getting from one to ten. Students are taught advanced concepts of Boolean algebra, and formerly unsolvable equations are dealt with by threats of reprisals.

Life is hard for insects. And don't think mice are having any fun either.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, "Be fruitful and multiply", but not in those words.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

When a man is driving in a car and looks out the window and notices a woman with a great body, as he strains to check her face out, how does she know to keep turning so the back of her head is always toward him?

Marriage is the death of hope.

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree", probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don't want you spreading that around.