Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 13

It's very hard to keep your spirits up. You've got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you.... you've got to find an answer to the question: Why go on?

Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.

I am two with nature.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

Marriage is the death of hope.

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.

I'm astounded by people who want to "know" the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

I remember when I was a little boy, I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.

No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.

Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don't want you spreading that around.

Where did we come from? Where are we going? Is there possibility of a group discount?

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.