Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 13

Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don't want you spreading that around.

I am two with nature.

Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.

I don't have to "freedom-kiss" my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.

I remember when I was a little boy, I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

I'm astounded by people who want to "know" the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

The heart is a very, very resilient little muscle. It really is.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.

It's very hard to keep your spirits up. You've got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you.... you've got to find an answer to the question: Why go on?

When a doctor makes a mistake, it's best to bury the subject.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.