Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 13

It's very hard to keep your spirits up. You've got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you.... you've got to find an answer to the question: Why go on?

Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

Marriage is the death of hope.

When a doctor makes a mistake, it's best to bury the subject.

I am two with nature.

I'm astounded by people who want to "know" the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.

Where did we come from? Where are we going? Is there possibility of a group discount?

I remember when I was a little boy, I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.

Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don't want you spreading that around.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.