Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 13

I don't have to "freedom-kiss" my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

It's very hard to keep your spirits up. You've got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you.... you've got to find an answer to the question: Why go on?

I'm astounded by people who want to "know" the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

I remember when I was a little boy, I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don't want you spreading that around.

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree", probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.