Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 13

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

The heart is a very, very resilient little muscle. It really is.

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.

I remember when I was a little boy, I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

It's very hard to keep your spirits up. You've got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you.... you've got to find an answer to the question: Why go on?

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree", probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don't want you spreading that around.