Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 13

Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete.

I don't have to "freedom-kiss" my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

I am two with nature.

Where did we come from? Where are we going? Is there possibility of a group discount?

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.

I'm astounded by people who want to "know" the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

I remember when I was a little boy, I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

The heart is a very, very resilient little muscle. It really is.

It's very hard to keep your spirits up. You've got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you.... you've got to find an answer to the question: Why go on?

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.

I knew I was in love. First of all, I was very nauseous.