Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 14

Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Taste my tuna casserole - tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.

Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

Where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship?

Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.

In perpetrating a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and someone to actually show up and do the revolting. Dress is usually casual and both parties may be flexible about time and place, but if either faction fails to attend, the whole enterprise is likely to come off badly.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

My God! I beat a man insensible with a strawberry!

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion.

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.