Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 14

No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.

If it bends, it's funny; if it breaks, it's not funny.

The heart wants what it wants.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

I knew I was in love. First of all, I was very nauseous.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

Some men are heterosexual, and some men are homosexual, and some men don't think about sex at all. They become lawyers.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you.

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion.

Taste my tuna casserole - tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.