Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 14

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

When a doctor makes a mistake, it's best to bury the subject.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you.

Taste my tuna casserole - tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

My God! I beat a man insensible with a strawberry!