Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 14

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.

Taste my tuna casserole - tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

Where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship?

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

When a doctor makes a mistake, it's best to bury the subject.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you.

Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion.

I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.