Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 14

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

I knew I was in love. First of all, I was very nauseous.

The heart wants what it wants.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.

Some men are heterosexual, and some men are homosexual, and some men don't think about sex at all. They become lawyers.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

If it bends, it's funny; if it breaks, it's not funny.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.