Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 15

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

Some men are heterosexual, and some men are homosexual, and some men don't think about sex at all. They become lawyers.

Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion.

Where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship?

The heart wants what it wants.

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

If it bends, it's funny; if it breaks, it's not funny.

Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.