Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 15

My God! I beat a man insensible with a strawberry!

Taste my tuna casserole - tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.

Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

In perpetrating a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and someone to actually show up and do the revolting. Dress is usually casual and both parties may be flexible about time and place, but if either faction fails to attend, the whole enterprise is likely to come off badly.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.

When I’m not working, I think and I think when I get depressed.

The wicked at heart probably know something.

There are three things Jewish people worship - God, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting.

Where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship?