Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 15

Some men are heterosexual, and some men are homosexual, and some men don't think about sex at all. They become lawyers.

In perpetrating a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and someone to actually show up and do the revolting. Dress is usually casual and both parties may be flexible about time and place, but if either faction fails to attend, the whole enterprise is likely to come off badly.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

The heart wants what it wants.

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

Where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship?

If it bends, it's funny; if it breaks, it's not funny.

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion.

I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.

Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.