Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 15

Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

Some men are heterosexual, and some men are homosexual, and some men don't think about sex at all. They become lawyers.

Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.

I knew I was in love. First of all, I was very nauseous.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Where did we come from? Where are we going? Is there possibility of a group discount?

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

If it bends, it's funny; if it breaks, it's not funny.

There are three things Jewish people worship - God, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

The heart wants what it wants.