Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 15
Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Some men are heterosexual, and some men are homosexual, and some men don't think about sex at all. They become lawyers.
I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion.
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.
What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!
The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.
In perpetrating a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and someone to actually show up and do the revolting. Dress is usually casual and both parties may be flexible about time and place, but if either faction fails to attend, the whole enterprise is likely to come off badly.