Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 15

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

My God! I beat a man insensible with a strawberry!

In perpetrating a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and someone to actually show up and do the revolting. Dress is usually casual and both parties may be flexible about time and place, but if either faction fails to attend, the whole enterprise is likely to come off badly.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

Where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship?

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.