Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 15

Taste my tuna casserole - tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

My God! I beat a man insensible with a strawberry!

In perpetrating a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and someone to actually show up and do the revolting. Dress is usually casual and both parties may be flexible about time and place, but if either faction fails to attend, the whole enterprise is likely to come off badly.

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion.

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.

Where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship?

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.