Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 15

I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.

Some men are heterosexual, and some men are homosexual, and some men don't think about sex at all. They become lawyers.

Where did we come from? Where are we going? Is there possibility of a group discount?

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

When a doctor makes a mistake, it's best to bury the subject.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

I knew I was in love. First of all, I was very nauseous.

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

There are three things Jewish people worship - God, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

If it bends, it's funny; if it breaks, it's not funny.