Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 16

It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic.

There are three things Jewish people worship - God, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting.

I always thought that as long as man is mortal, he will never be relaxed.

Where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship?

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.

I bought her this handkerchief... and I didn't even know her size.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Better not think too much. Relying more on the body: it is more trustworthy.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.