Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 16

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

There are three things Jewish people worship - God, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting.

When I’m not working, I think and I think when I get depressed.

The wicked at heart probably know something.

Better not think too much. Relying more on the body: it is more trustworthy.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

I always thought that as long as man is mortal, he will never be relaxed.

It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Your self-esteem is a notch below Kafka.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.