Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 17

This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?

You think the President of the United States wants to fuck every woman he meets?.. Well, bad example.

No matter how cynical you are, you can't keep up.

Raised by two mothers... wow, most of us barely survive one.

A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

A lot of things have happened in my private life recently that I thought we could review tonight.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Better not think too much. Relying more on the body: it is more trustworthy.

Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

When the Academy called, I panicked. I thought they might want their Oscars back and the pawn shop has been out of business for a while.

Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.