Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 18

Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.

Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake?

Where am I, anyhow? I mean, what happened to everybody?

Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.

A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

Marriage? That's for life! It's like cement!

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

You're so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.