Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 18

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Where am I, anyhow? I mean, what happened to everybody?

Recently there has been a lot of controversy between the countries, and I would hope that now the two countries could put all that behind them and start to build on what really has been a great friendship.

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

You think the President of the United States wants to fuck every woman he meets?.. Well, bad example.

When the Academy called, I panicked. I thought they might want their Oscars back and the pawn shop has been out of business for a while.

A lot of things have happened in my private life recently that I thought we could review tonight.

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

You're so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.

Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates.

Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake?