Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 18

A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.

Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake?

Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Marriage? That's for life! It's like cement!

You're so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex.

Where am I, anyhow? I mean, what happened to everybody?

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.