Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 18

When the Academy called, I panicked. I thought they might want their Oscars back and the pawn shop has been out of business for a while.

Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.

Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake?

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.

Marriage? That's for life! It's like cement!

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Where am I, anyhow? I mean, what happened to everybody?

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

You're so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.