Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 18

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

I bought her this handkerchief... and I didn't even know her size.

A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.

When the Academy called, I panicked. I thought they might want their Oscars back and the pawn shop has been out of business for a while.

Marriage? That's for life! It's like cement!

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Where am I, anyhow? I mean, what happened to everybody?

Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake?

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.