Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 19

You're so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.

I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.

I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

Never shoot up in the air when you're standing under it.

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!

After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex.

I think there is too much wrong with the world to ever get too relaxed and happy. The more natural state, and the better one, I think, is one of some anxiety and tension over man`s plight in this mysterious universe.

I love money, strictly for financial reasons.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.