Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 19

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates.

My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films.

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.

There's more to life than sitting around in the sun in your underwear playing the clarinet.

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.

I think there is too much wrong with the world to ever get too relaxed and happy. The more natural state, and the better one, I think, is one of some anxiety and tension over man`s plight in this mysterious universe.

Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.

Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.