Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 19

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

I love money, strictly for financial reasons.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates.

My relationship with American audiences is the exact same as it always has been. They never came to see my films, and they don't come now.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I bought her this handkerchief... and I didn't even know her size.