Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 19

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.

I love money, strictly for financial reasons.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

My relationship with American audiences is the exact same as it always has been. They never came to see my films, and they don't come now.

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.