Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 20

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Never shoot up in the air when you're standing under it.

Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

There's more to life than sitting around in the sun in your underwear playing the clarinet.

I think there is too much wrong with the world to ever get too relaxed and happy. The more natural state, and the better one, I think, is one of some anxiety and tension over man`s plight in this mysterious universe.

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

Is there a separation between body and mind, and if so which is it better to have?

It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.

Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

What advice would I give the average homeowner to protect himself against burglars? Well, the first thing is to keep a light on in the house when you go out. It must be at least a sixty-watt bulb; anything less and the burglar will ransack the house, out of contempt for the wattage.