Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 20

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

What advice would I give the average homeowner to protect himself against burglars? Well, the first thing is to keep a light on in the house when you go out. It must be at least a sixty-watt bulb; anything less and the burglar will ransack the house, out of contempt for the wattage.

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

There's more to life than sitting around in the sun in your underwear playing the clarinet.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

My relationship with American audiences is the exact same as it always has been. They never came to see my films, and they don't come now.

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.