Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 20

It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.

Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

My relationship with American audiences is the exact same as it always has been. They never came to see my films, and they don't come now.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.

Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

There's more to life than sitting around in the sun in your underwear playing the clarinet.

What advice would I give the average homeowner to protect himself against burglars? Well, the first thing is to keep a light on in the house when you go out. It must be at least a sixty-watt bulb; anything less and the burglar will ransack the house, out of contempt for the wattage.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.