Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 20

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.

Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

What advice would I give the average homeowner to protect himself against burglars? Well, the first thing is to keep a light on in the house when you go out. It must be at least a sixty-watt bulb; anything less and the burglar will ransack the house, out of contempt for the wattage.

There's more to life than sitting around in the sun in your underwear playing the clarinet.

My relationship with American audiences is the exact same as it always has been. They never came to see my films, and they don't come now.

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.