Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 21
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
I do occasionally envy the person who is religious naturally, without being brainwashed into it or suckered into it by all the organized hustles.
I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.
I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I’m 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.
I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.
Bidnick gorges himself on Viagra, but the dosage makes him hallucinate and causes him to imagine he is Pliny the Elder.
If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
I have no regard for that kind of ceremony. I just don't think they know what they're doing. When you see who wins those things - or who doesn't win them - you can see how meaningless this Oscar thing is.
Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!
Child molestation is a touchy subject... Read the papers! Half the country's doing it!