Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 21

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!

My ex-wife claimed she was violated. Knowing my ex-wife, it wasn’t a moving violation.

At the moment it's just a Notion, but with a bit of backing I think I could turn it into Concept, and then an Idea.

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

I have no regard for that kind of ceremony. I just don't think they know what they're doing. When you see who wins those things - or who doesn't win them - you can see how meaningless this Oscar thing is.

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.

I do occasionally envy the person who is religious naturally, without being brainwashed into it or suckered into it by all the organized hustles.

I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.

Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.

Bidnick gorges himself on Viagra, but the dosage makes him hallucinate and causes him to imagine he is Pliny the Elder.

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.