Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 21

It`s true I had a lot of anxiety. I was afraid of the dark and suspicious of the light.

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I have no regard for that kind of ceremony. I just don't think they know what they're doing. When you see who wins those things - or who doesn't win them - you can see how meaningless this Oscar thing is.

Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.

For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.

Engrave this Quote Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!

I do not know if God exists, but if there is, I hope he has a good excuse!

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

My ex-wife claimed she was violated. Knowing my ex-wife, it wasn’t a moving violation.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.