Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 22
I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.
Bidnick gorges himself on Viagra, but the dosage makes him hallucinate and causes him to imagine he is Pliny the Elder.
I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
I have no regard for that kind of ceremony. I just don't think they know what they're doing. When you see who wins those things - or who doesn't win them - you can see how meaningless this Oscar thing is.
Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.
Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.
It`s true I had a lot of anxiety. I was afraid of the dark and suspicious of the light.
It's something that occurs to me many times in my movies. They can often be treated comically or dramatically, and I usually opt to treat them comically. But it occurred to me that you could get a story and you could fool around with it both ways.
Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.
I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I’m 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.
I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.