Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 22

Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.

What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.

Child molestation is a touchy subject... Read the papers! Half the country's doing it!

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I’m 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.

I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

It`s true I had a lot of anxiety. I was afraid of the dark and suspicious of the light.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.

For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.