Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 22

What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.

It's something that occurs to me many times in my movies. They can often be treated comically or dramatically, and I usually opt to treat them comically. But it occurred to me that you could get a story and you could fool around with it both ways.

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

It`s true I had a lot of anxiety. I was afraid of the dark and suspicious of the light.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.

Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.

My ex-wife claimed she was violated. Knowing my ex-wife, it wasn’t a moving violation.

Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.

Child molestation is a touchy subject... Read the papers! Half the country's doing it!

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dark about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope.