Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 22
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "No."
I have no regard for that kind of ceremony. I just don't think they know what they're doing. When you see who wins those things - or who doesn't win them - you can see how meaningless this Oscar thing is.
Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.
I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.
I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.
Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.
My ex-wife claimed she was violated. Knowing my ex-wife, it wasn’t a moving violation.
I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes.
I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I’m 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.