Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 22

It`s true I had a lot of anxiety. I was afraid of the dark and suspicious of the light.

I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't.

My ex-wife claimed she was violated. Knowing my ex-wife, it wasn’t a moving violation.

For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.

It's something that occurs to me many times in my movies. They can often be treated comically or dramatically, and I usually opt to treat them comically. But it occurred to me that you could get a story and you could fool around with it both ways.

Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I've always liked, someday the lamb will lay by the lion... but it won't get much sleep.

What advice would I give the average homeowner to protect himself against burglars? Well, the first thing is to keep a light on in the house when you go out. It must be at least a sixty-watt bulb; anything less and the burglar will ransack the house, out of contempt for the wattage.

I do not know if God exists, but if there is, I hope he has a good excuse!

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

You always think another time would have been ideal for you... the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.

Engrave this Quote Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.