Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 4

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

The dictatorship is "shut up", democracy is "always concerned".

You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only... only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.

I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain - and this is a chance for something special.

My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

I could tell by the sound of your voice over the phone. Very authoritative you know, like the Pope or the computer in 2001.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.