Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 4

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

The dictatorship is "shut up", democracy is "always concerned".

I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.

I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.

94.5% of all statistics are made up.

My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

I could tell by the sound of your voice over the phone. Very authoritative you know, like the Pope or the computer in 2001.

Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain - and this is a chance for something special.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill 'em.

How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.