Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 5

Is world peace possible or is the human race too innately aggressive? For instance: Have you ever seen women at a sample sale?

94.5% of all statistics are made up.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.

The two biggest myths about me are that I’m an intellectual, because I wear these glasses, and that I’m an artist because my films lose money. Those two myths have been prevalent for many years.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

I like writing. It keeps my mind off grim subjects. It's therapeutic in the same way a patient in an institution is given fingerpaints.

If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat bills would be?

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat... college.