Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 5

Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill 'em.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Will you calm down? You're not going to let a little near-death experience ruin your mood, are you?

I'm a teleological, existential agnostic.

Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know this?

The two biggest myths about me are that I’m an intellectual, because I wear these glasses, and that I’m an artist because my films lose money. Those two myths have been prevalent for many years.

If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat bills would be?

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.

I like writing. It keeps my mind off grim subjects. It's therapeutic in the same way a patient in an institution is given fingerpaints.

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

Is world peace possible or is the human race too innately aggressive? For instance: Have you ever seen women at a sample sale?

Abysmal vermin that I am, I couldn't of course tell her that it was her incredible mother that I wanted to see again… I knew only as I drove through the cold, night autumn air that somewhere Freud, Sophocles and Eugene O’Neill were laughing.

My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst.