Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 5

Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know this?

94.5% of all statistics are made up.

I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

The two biggest myths about me are that I’m an intellectual, because I wear these glasses, and that I’m an artist because my films lose money. Those two myths have been prevalent for many years.

Is world peace possible or is the human race too innately aggressive? For instance: Have you ever seen women at a sample sale?

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat bills would be?

I like writing. It keeps my mind off grim subjects. It's therapeutic in the same way a patient in an institution is given fingerpaints.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.

Abysmal vermin that I am, I couldn't of course tell her that it was her incredible mother that I wanted to see again… I knew only as I drove through the cold, night autumn air that somewhere Freud, Sophocles and Eugene O’Neill were laughing.