Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 6

I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat... college.

My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst.

I never think I feel cynical in general. Cynical is reality with an alternate spelling. I feel there's a gigantic amount of injustice and overt crime every day in the world, from emotional crimes to international crimes, and it often carries rewards.

I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

Death is an acquired trait.

What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours.

My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.

Psychoanalyses is like music lessons, for 5 years you do not notice any progress and suddenly you can play the piano.

So then, what do you believe in? Sex and death. Two things that come once in my lifetime. But at least after death you're not nauseous.

Sylvia Plath – interesting poetess whose tragic suicide was misinterpreted as romantic by the college girl mentality.

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.

Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.