Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 6

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat... college.

The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants.

I never think I feel cynical in general. Cynical is reality with an alternate spelling. I feel there's a gigantic amount of injustice and overt crime every day in the world, from emotional crimes to international crimes, and it often carries rewards.

So then, what do you believe in? Sex and death. Two things that come once in my lifetime. But at least after death you're not nauseous.

I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

It's a match made in heaven... by a retarded angel.

What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours.

Psychoanalyses is like music lessons, for 5 years you do not notice any progress and suddenly you can play the piano.

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.

My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst.

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.

You know what my philosophy of life is? That it’s important to have some laughs, but you got to suffer a little too, because otherwise you miss the whole point to life.