Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 6

Abysmal vermin that I am, I couldn't of course tell her that it was her incredible mother that I wanted to see again… I knew only as I drove through the cold, night autumn air that somewhere Freud, Sophocles and Eugene O’Neill were laughing.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat... college.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst.

I never think I feel cynical in general. Cynical is reality with an alternate spelling. I feel there's a gigantic amount of injustice and overt crime every day in the world, from emotional crimes to international crimes, and it often carries rewards.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants.

My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.

Death is an acquired trait.

Psychoanalyses is like music lessons, for 5 years you do not notice any progress and suddenly you can play the piano.

What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours.

So then, what do you believe in? Sex and death. Two things that come once in my lifetime. But at least after death you're not nauseous.

Sylvia Plath – interesting poetess whose tragic suicide was misinterpreted as romantic by the college girl mentality.

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.

Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.