Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 7

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.

Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.

Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

I loathed every day and regret every day I spent in school.

You know what my philosophy of life is? That it’s important to have some laughs, but you got to suffer a little too, because otherwise you miss the whole point to life.

Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love - the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.

You know a lot of geniuses, y’know. You should meet some stupid people once in a while, y’know, you could learn something.

It's a match made in heaven... by a retarded angel.

They called me mad... But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!

By now they had mastered my own language, but they still made simple mistakes, like using "hermeneutics", when they meant "heuristic".

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

I can't vouch for this film, in all honesty.

When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.

They probably sit around on the floor with wine and cheese, and mispronounce allegorical and didacticism.