Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 7

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.

Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.

It's a match made in heaven... by a retarded angel.

You know what my philosophy of life is? That it’s important to have some laughs, but you got to suffer a little too, because otherwise you miss the whole point to life.

Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.

I loathed every day and regret every day I spent in school.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

You know a lot of geniuses, y’know. You should meet some stupid people once in a while, y’know, you could learn something.

When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.

They called me mad... But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!

Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love - the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.

I can't vouch for this film, in all honesty.

By now they had mastered my own language, but they still made simple mistakes, like using "hermeneutics", when they meant "heuristic".

I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.