Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 7
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.
Psychoanalyses is like music lessons, for 5 years you do not notice any progress and suddenly you can play the piano.
Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love - the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.
You know a lot of geniuses, y’know. You should meet some stupid people once in a while, y’know, you could learn something.
You know what my philosophy of life is? That it’s important to have some laughs, but you got to suffer a little too, because otherwise you miss the whole point to life.
So then, what do you believe in? Sex and death. Two things that come once in my lifetime. But at least after death you're not nauseous.
By now they had mastered my own language, but they still made simple mistakes, like using "hermeneutics", when they meant "heuristic".
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
They probably sit around on the floor with wine and cheese, and mispronounce allegorical and didacticism.
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.