Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 8
All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I'm driving a used car.
Where I grew up… in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide… you know, everyone was too unhappy.
This is so antiseptic. It`s empty. Why do you think this is funny? You`re going by audience reaction? This is an audience that`s raised on television, their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out!
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.
Regarding love… what can you say? It’s not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It’s the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it.
My grandfather was a very insignificant man: at his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.
They called me mad... But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!
The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.
Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing Embraceable you in spats.