Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 8
There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?
They called me mad... But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!
My grandfather was a very insignificant man: at his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.
The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.
This is so antiseptic. It`s empty. Why do you think this is funny? You`re going by audience reaction? This is an audience that`s raised on television, their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out!
Regarding love… what can you say? It’s not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It’s the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it.
Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Where I grew up… in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide… you know, everyone was too unhappy.
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.