Quotes & Jokes about Driving / page 2
Last time I was out here was not too long after 9/11, and you could not drive a car to the airport at that time. That was one of the first safety precautions: only taxis could go to the airport. Because, really, what better way of stemming the flow of Muslims to the airport than only allowing taxis?
I live in Los Angeles. It’s a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: "Hey, is that real fur?" "Of course not! That's sick!"
Then comes the kicker: Say the alphabet – backwards. "Well, shit, you got me. I'm not drunk, but I'm obviously too stupid to be driving, God damn it."
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
Has anybody here ever been driving along in their car, smoking a cigarette, and you flick it out the window, and you drive for a few miles, and you start to smell smoke, and you turn around, and you look in the backseat, and grandma is playing with herself?
The first time I got to second base, I was driving and my friend was in the backseat getting tit. I considered that scoring - the rearview mirror was just a technicality. I didn't have sex until college - and even then, it's not like the floodgates opened. When I finally had a girlfriend, she ended up scoring with the goalie of the lacrosse team, so that didn't work out.
I didn’t understand NASCAR until I met some NASCAR fans. You talk to a couple of NASCAR fans and you’ll see where a shiny car driving in a circle would fascinate them all day. I can make fun of NASCAR fans because if they chase me, I just turn right.
My grandma used to say "Sound your Klaxon when you come around a turn." And I'd say "Shut your fucking Klaxon I'm driving!" Oh we had fun.
I wouldn't take nothin' but a Ford: F-O-R-D, period. Ain't nothin' like a Ford. I wouldn't drive a Chevrolet 'cause I can't spell it.
L.A. I love it. Everybody’s a superstar. A guy will tell you, "Yeah, I’m a producer." And he’s driving a cab.
I'm glad them fucking holidays is over. "Don't drink and drive." Motherfucker, how am I going to get home?
That's when you know you're pretty fucked up, when it makes sense to fall asleep... I was driving between Needles and Barstow... It's about 120 miles of desert... It's four in the morning, man... Hey, this is a pretty good time to go to sleep... So I totaled this fuckin' car out, man!... I fuckin' totaled it! And it made sense at the time!
I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.
Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.