Quotes & Jokes about Masturbation / page 2

The only reason I feel guilty about masturbation is because I do it so badly.

If you masturbated with your left hand, would it be like being touched by a retarded person?

I almost got fired for watching internet porn at work. Instead I got fired for masturbating.

This is embarrassing. My friend accidentally killed himself masturbating when he was just trying to kill himself.

My nephew killed himself masturbating but, officially, the cause of death is exhaustion.

Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, 'Ever try your left hand? It's like a whole different person.' Yeah, a retarded person.

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

In my teens my folks used a drone look-alike kite to see if I was masturbating too much.

They called me mad... But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!

I find masturbation to be too intimate quite frankly. In fact, I won’t even masturbate unless I promise myself to take myself afterwards out to a dinner and a film. Which is sad.

Before I have masturbation, I say to myself, 'Break a leg.' While I masturbate, I actually fantasize that I'm somebody else. In fact, if I do it in different rooms, I actually feel that I'm cheating on myself - which is sad.