Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Sisters

41 quotes

Then Jasper said "Look here, nigger, if anyone's gonna have sex with my sister, it's gonna be me."

My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

Ben Hur, who said to his sister Ben Him, "We'd better swap names before they start calling me Ben Gay!" Never got a dinner!

My sister is also retarded. Across the board. She's a one hundred per cent, honest to goodness, born that way retard. I learned a long time ago that if you're going to tell a story about your retarded sister, you need to mention she's retarded right off the bat or inevitably, at the end of the story, someone will say, "What... is she, retarded?" And then you have to go, "Uh... yeah, she is." Followed by a lengthy, awkward silence.

My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an amazing poet, who was raised by this woman, and was dating a guy who broke up with her for the fourth time in three weeks. And one day, she came to his house, got a gun, and blew her brains out all over his headboard. I just went through a divorce, five years in court and cost me $2 million dollars. If anyone, by law, should be forced to take antidepressants it's me... But instead, I choose to be an antidepressant. And you can take me with alcohol.

I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I’m the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.

I got a brother who calls me Hollywood. Sisters kind of keep their distance. Even my mom is kind of like ahhh with me. Yeah dude, it really sucks. And I wish things were different. Unfortunately, they don't understand everything I go through on a day to day basis to be able to maintain what I'm doing.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'

I never saw Lenny Bruce, but I know all about him. I heard every tape. I’ve talked with his mother. His daughter is like a sister to me. Can you imagine missing someone you never knew?

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

One brother, five sisters… dude I’d have to wear a tampon just to fit in.

If you have a fat brother or sister you might be American.

My little sister tried to run away from home once. But, just a few hours later, somebody found the body.

Maybe it's instinctual to be monogamous; but if you know you are going to fuck her sister, maybe you should not be monogamous right yet.