Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1094

You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery.

I thought the purpose of education was to learn to think for yourself.

You might be a redneck if you think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache... or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.

We don’t have home movies in my family. We have people’s exhibit A.

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."

You might be a redneck if the biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

My relationship with American audiences is the exact same as it always has been. They never came to see my films, and they don't come now.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I’ve found that if that’s all you have, you can’t get it out.

I was talking to Alan Jackson. He had his second Greatest Hits album. He said, You don't ever get into this really thinking you're gonna make it.

I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates.