Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1094
I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.
I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.
The president is not doing well with African Americans. His popularity rating - his approval rating - with blacks: two percent. Two percent. That is somewhere between Mark Fuhrman and sickle cell anemia.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.
I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.
I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."
Nobody sees people as people. It's all how they relate to my little group.
That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.
I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!
You might be a redneck if you've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.