Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1094
It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."
We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.
Well, evolution's just a theory.' And, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.'
You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings.
We don’t have home movies in my family. We have people’s exhibit A.
I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.
I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.
You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"
Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war.
I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.