Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1095

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I say at this point, for different reasons, Bush and Hussein are both very threatening to world peace and to deny that is to be incredibly naive.

Throwing up is natures way of saying you need to re-examine your idea of a "good time".

A bum told me, “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I told him, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. It's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

I see those picketers, and I think you know, if I weren't a loving, non-violent, spiritual person, I would really go over there and grab those signs and smash them over their heads and shove them up their asses. But... I'm a loving, spiritual person.