Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1095

She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

You might be a redneck if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.

But in the Olympics, in the last Olympics, we, Britain, didn't do very well, got no gold medals at all, which pissed me off. But we're setting up a British Olympics, where each and every event is a British event, like the British hundred metres: "Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, pardon me, excuse me… I think I was here first!" We should win that.

Words have power, you dumb piece of shit.

I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.

It’s not enough to say "I’m sorry". You have to also mean it. It’s the same with saying "I’m single".

This is my favorite argument against gay marriage. It’s from Senator John Cornyn of Texas… he goes “Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn’t affect your everyday life. But that doesn’t mean it’s right.”... I think it’s pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle… That’s not the first animal you jump to when you’re writing that analogy.

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."

Your services might be as useful as a barber’s shop on the steps of a guillotine.

The food is out of this world!

This horrible decade where all of us men tried to be individual rebels... by wearing the exact same flaming skull on a bedazzled Ed Hardy thermal. I have three of them, I'm not laughing at you I'm laughing with you.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'.