Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1095
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own.
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence.
A lot of people think that Jesus is coming back. That's fine, it's your right. But you know, I live in New York, and I think he's running a little late. I'm asking myself, 'Alright, what happens if Jesus comes back tomorrow? What -- does he make rounds to churches?' 'OK, everyone who's been good, buses leave in 10 minutes. I'll meet you in front of the post office. I gotta go. Oh, don't tell the Jews I'm back.'
The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.
I was raised in an atmosphere of 'everything's fine.' But as I got older, I was like, 'Well no, everything's not fine. There is stuff that's sad.' I am a really sensitive person. I think I am too sensitive sometimes.
I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."
I don't want to be a pessimist. I'm a realist. One man's realist is another man's pessimist.
And for the record, all marriages are same sex marriages. You get married, and every night, it's the same sex.