Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1095
You might be a redneck if the biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
My relationship with American audiences is the exact same as it always has been. They never came to see my films, and they don't come now.
I was talking to Alan Jackson. He had his second Greatest Hits album. He said, You don't ever get into this really thinking you're gonna make it.
I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates.
I meet so many young folks who say, “If I got to go and die in a war at 18, I want the right to vote at 18.” Don’t be no damn fool. You got to die at 18, you better fight to get the right to vote at 17.
"I can't believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it?"<br /> [pause]<br /> The baby starts to come down...and once that happens you can't-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that's how I did it.
You find out that all this stuff you've accumulated, you could care less about it. It's just the relationships that matter.
She was so ugly that she has a face like a boiled boot and a tongue long enough to lace it up.
Every group of brothers should have at least one white guy in it. Im serious for safety, cuz when the shit goes down someone is gonna need to talk to the police.
They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags.
I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’
I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.
"A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!"
My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young”.<br /> I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now.”