Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1093

You might be a redneck if you have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

And to those people with no children but who think they'd like to have them some day to fulfill their lives. Remember: With fulfillment comes responsibility.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

You might be a redneck if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence.

You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery.

He doesn't understand the subtleties of slights and pains, that it is not the big events that hurt the most but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into the heart.

Now I must leave you as you enter the world that is Fuck. You are fucking lucky to be here. It's almost utopian.

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

You might be a redneck if you think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.