Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1093
The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
And to those people with no children but who think they'd like to have them some day to fulfill their lives. Remember: With fulfillment comes responsibility.
Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.
To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.
I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.
It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe...
Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.
"It's a wonderful day when white people black people and Hispanics all come together, to pick on another minority"
I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way.
Without her I don't exist. Without her, I wouldn't be doing this for a living. Without her, in four states it would still be legal to kill a man with a cappuccino machine. She touched a lot of lives.
My relationship with American audiences is the exact same as it always has been. They never came to see my films, and they don't come now.
What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.