Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1093
I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.
I meet so many young folks who say, “If I got to go and die in a war at 18, I want the right to vote at 18.” Don’t be no damn fool. You got to die at 18, you better fight to get the right to vote at 17.
I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.
This one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just cant go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money .... "Ta---da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?
Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.
There was a time when people said, "Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that." Now they just say, "Pay him!"
I say at this point, for different reasons, Bush and Hussein are both very threatening to world peace and to deny that is to be incredibly naive.
I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an "A" level in guilt.
The average airplane is 16 years old, and so is the average airplane meal.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, “Are you comfortable?” The guys says, “I make a good living.”