Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1093

I don’t know if you’ve ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I’ve found that if that’s all you have, you can’t get it out.

I was talking to Alan Jackson. He had his second Greatest Hits album. He said, You don't ever get into this really thinking you're gonna make it.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I’m the munter of my friends. I’ve got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I’m a heart-throb.

There was a time when people said, "Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that." Now they just say, "Pay him!"

You find out that all this stuff you've accumulated, you could care less about it. It's just the relationships that matter.

When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.

I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.

The president is not doing well with African Americans. His popularity rating - his approval rating - with blacks: two percent. Two percent. That is somewhere between Mark Fuhrman and sickle cell anemia.

We women have to stick together.

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.