Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1093

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

It seems like movies that have heart to them always do well, and they find their audience.

Anyone who is elected mayor of a place called "Sin City" is allowed to be a drunk.

There was a time when people said, "Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that." Now they just say, "Pay him!"

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an "A" level in guilt.

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.