Quotes & Jokes by D. L. Hughley


I don't need somebody behind a desk to tell me what a marketing survey says is funny. I got 3 million miles and 70,000 tickets sold, telling me that I know how to make people laugh.

Every group has its idiosyncrasies, but at a certain point we all are human.

No matter how bad things are, you can at least be happy that you woke up this morning.

You know what so funny, this strike has been going on for a long time. It's lasted longer than the Civil Rights movement, what the hell is this? It's painfully obvious to me white people don't know how to protest. You need like an Al Sharpton, have a dream, go to the mountaintop, do something!

I'm glad them fucking holidays is over. "Don't drink and drive." Motherfucker, how am I going to get home?

Everybody wants to be great at something.

That's sort of a silly question. Day 15 is too soon, but Day 16 is all right?

There is always one person in the office that you want to whip their ass! If you don't know who it is, it is probably you.

I'd pick a young white guy over an old white guy for president anytime because the younger guy is more likely to have been influenced by the great social changes of the '60s and '70s.

It's really no different for me 'cause I work for bet so it's like the writers are always on strike.

There's something about having a great bottle of wine and a great cigar. Nothing compares to it.

Did you ever have the police follow you for so long, that you get suspicious about your own goddamn self? "Maybe I did kill them people."

I'm not gonna lie, I love the holidays. But Christmas was a lot more fun when you weren't paying for it.

I used to always run off at the mouth and talk about people. I just didn't know that it would make a living for me.

They didn't have to describe Jesus to me for me to know he's black. Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding. Now if that ain't black folk, I don't know what is.