Quotes & Jokes about Christmas

96 quotes

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open! Boy what a present he gave me!

When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday!

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

What do eggs have to do with Jesus Christ? I understand Christmas. Three wise men show up with gifts, 'I love you.' Symbolism, I get that. How did the egg thing happen? Did somebody walk up to somebody else, 'Hey, did you hear? Jesus rose from the dead.' 'Hide the eggs! Hide the eggs! We gotta trick Jesus. Paint the eggs pink or purple. Put them in the park! Trick Jesus!'

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.

I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green, Merry fucking Christmas!

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance, 'Baby, all I want from you this year is an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox.' You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine - because I got her an Xbox.

Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what’s the guy even thinking there. "Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It’s nothing!"

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

I will tell you, that you Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop?! It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it!

My grandfather is from Ireland. His name is Florence McCarthy. He moved to New York in 1920. They used to beat him up because his name was Florence. He had to switch his name to Frank. And then this Christmas, he made an announcement - he goes, 'I'm switching me name back to Florence.' And we beat him up, 'cause it's a dumb name and he's old and weak and it was easy.

One of those Christmas songs says, “You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout.” How’s my wife going to get along?

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn’t give her a fancy gift. And I didn’t.

Thanksgiving used to be Thanksgiving, and it was its own holiday, not Christmas: Part 1. When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.'

Kenny G will be releasing a CD fully comprised of Christmas songs. Happy birthday, Jesus - hope you like crap.