Quotes & Jokes by Damon Wayans


See what we have here is a failure to communicate.

If Mike Tyson came up to me and said, “Listen, I want to fuck you in your ass.” The toughest thing I could say back is: “For how long?! Now I need some sort of time frame, my brother! Because you ain’t gonna be fucking me all day long! Now you gotta about three hours to do what you gotta do, then the ass is mine!”

I found out one of my old partners, Larry, is in jail now. Larry got 25 years for something he didn't do. He didn't run fast enough.

Some struggle is healthy. If you can embrace it rather than be angry, you can use it as your pilot light.

My father is a Jehovah's Witness, and he raised us under a very strict hand.

Allow me to expose my colon once again. The ramification inflicted on the incision placed within the Fallopian cavities serves to be holistic taken from the Latin word "jalapeno".

Let me tell you something ass-eyes, let me tell you all something: war has made me very paranoid! and when you get to eye-balling me, makes my Agent Orange act up, makes me want to kill!

I can't play no slave. I got three kids, man. How my kids going to respect me if they see me playing a slave? "Little Damon, you get down off that chair before I spank your behind." "Yeah, you weren't so tough when mastuh was kicking your ass."

Nobody can stop you but you. And shame on you if you're the one who stops yourself.

I wouldn't dignify that with a response.

Save yer breath! That's just another long list of lies perpetrated by The Man to keep a brutha down!

They strip search you in jail. Dudes sit in the booth and looks up my ass. Right away I’m thinking, "What in the world am I going to put up my ass that I'm gonna use again?" Like I’m supposed to get inside. "All right. Who wants gum?"

And for my family, comedically, that was the key to a lot of the humor.

My kids have a competitive drive I never had growing up.

You'd better not kill me, man, I've got shit to do tomorrow!