Quotes & Jokes by Damon Wayans

If Mike Tyson came up to me and said, “Listen, I want to fuck you in your ass.” The toughest thing I could say back is: “For how long?! Now I need some sort of time frame, my brother! Because you ain’t gonna be fucking me all day long! Now you gotta about three hours to do what you gotta do, then the ass is mine!”

I found out one of my old partners, Larry, is in jail now. Larry got 25 years for something he didn't do. He didn't run fast enough.

Some struggle is healthy. If you can embrace it rather than be angry, you can use it as your pilot light.

They strip search you in jail. Dudes sit in the booth and looks up my ass. Right away I’m thinking, "What in the world am I going to put up my ass that I'm gonna use again?" Like I’m supposed to get inside. "All right. Who wants gum?"

I wouldn't dignify that with a response.

Allow me to expose my colon once again. The ramification inflicted on the incision placed within the Fallopian cavities serves to be holistic taken from the Latin word "jalapeno".

See what we have here is a failure to communicate.

My father is a Jehovah's Witness, and he raised us under a very strict hand.

Save yer breath! That's just another long list of lies perpetrated by The Man to keep a brutha down!

From now on, my little group of shaved scrotum sacks, you will walk like me, talk like me, eat like me, and until you win those games, you will be bald like me.

And for my family, comedically, that was the key to a lot of the humor.

You'd better not kill me, man, I've got shit to do tomorrow!

Let me tell you something ass-eyes, let me tell you all something: war has made me very paranoid! and when you get to eye-balling me, makes my Agent Orange act up, makes me want to kill!

I had a great childhood growing up even though we was crazy poor. We was like P O. We couldn't afford O R. That's how Po we were… I remember nights we didn't eat. We had sleep for dinner.

But my kids, my brothers' kids - they think about trying to top what we did.