Quotes & Jokes about Family

39 quotes

Oh my god. Open and shut case, Johnson. I saw this once when I was a rookie. Apparently this nigger broke in and put up pictures of his family everywhere.

Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

You might be a redneck if... your family tree doesn't fork.

I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

Halloween’s my favorite holiday because you don’t have to spend it with your family.

We had our family tree done... turns out I'm a quarter gay on my father's side.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief."

I think there are still words you can't use in family entertainment that you can use in a sitcom today.

He was really into family... He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

I don't care if the average guy on the street really knows what I'm like, as long as he knows I'm not really a mean, vicious guy. My friends and family know what I'm really like. That's what's important.

You can be cool and at the same time respect your woman, who will hopefully become your wife, who will hopefully become the mother of your kids. America needs to get back to family values.