Quotes & Jokes by Donald Glover

I was having sex with this girl. And we were towards the end. And she goes, “Fuck me hard with that n-word dick.” And I stop… look at her right in the eye… and I came harder that I ever cum before. It was so awesome, you guys… It was almost worth being black my entire life.

Suicide is kinda dumb to me. If I wanna kill myself I will. It’s not hard to die, I could do it like right now. But why is everybody pretending like everything’s ok, Everything’s not ok. We are more connected than we’ve ever been, But I feel more alone than I’ve ever been.

Why don't women have crazy men stories? I don't really hear them. And then I realized, it's because if you got a crazy boyfriend, you're going to die. Just something about men, the second they realize they're crazy, it's like, 'Time to kill everything I love.'

I had a 'Simpsons' and 'Everybody Hates Chris' spec and I remember thinking I was never going to hear from them again. Even after meeting with Tina, I left thinking I wasn't going to get it.

Bright lights, they tend to burn out fast. So I shine bright, but I'm scared that it won't last.

We lay out our lives in a narrative we understand, like a movie, but are you enjoying making it or are you wondering "who's watching my movie".

Most people think I'm Danny Glover's son when they meet me. So when they ask, I say 'No, I'm Crispin Glover's son.' Then we stare at each other for a long time.

Urkel was retarded, let's be honest. No, he was. If there was a kid named Steve Urkel who went to your school - dressed like Steve Urkel, eating cheese all the time, always asking this girl named Laura to marry him - you'd be like, 'Oh yeah, Steve. His brother hit him in the head with a brick when he was five. Very sad situation at the Urkel house.'

We weren’t allowed to have any sugary cereals as a kid. The two cereals we were allowed to have were Cheerios and Kix. And Cheerios is, like, cardboard doo-doo. And Kix is kinda like the handjob of cereals… cause it’s like, "this is pretty good… but you know what I really want…"

I lost my virginity junior year of college, I was 21… I was awkward, and I was raised Jehovah’s Witness so I thought sex was bad, I thought I was going to go to hell, and get AIDS immediately.

It's kind of redundant - have a black dude wearing an Obama shirt. Everybody's like, 'Yeah, we know. You like Obama; we get it.' It's just like, I would do the same thing. I realize that it's kind of redundant. I don't go up to white people wearing Coldplay shirts. 'You like Coldplay? For how long? Forever?'

When you get called the n-word, as a black person you can do anything. It's like getting a gold star in Super Mario Brothers and junk. I hear the music when I hear the n-word. I get right into it; I get really into it. You can do anything. You could be in a fancy restaurant - just start throwing poop at the walls. People be like, 'What are you doing?' 'Someone called him the n-word.'

We had a teacher, named Mr. Brown, and he was writing something on the board once - he was writing something on the board, and he farted. And you would have thought kids had seen the face of God. Kids weren't even laughing; they were just sitting there screaming, just screaming. Kids had to get carted out; kids were screaming. Kids had to get carted out, and they were going to the nurses' office. Kids are crying in the hallway. 'Oh, this is our 9/11.' And it was. It was their 9/11 'cause they never thought anything like that could ever happen.

If you’re a girl, and dont give blowjobs, go ahead and curl up with your cats and your twilight dvd’s... because you are going to die alone.

When he was coming up, people were like, 'We have a serious black candidate for president. This is crazy. We have a serious black candidate.' And then when he won, they were like, 'Our first multi-racial president.' And I was like, 'That's not fair.' I mean, let's set the record straight. If you went outside tonight after this show and Barack Obama was stealing your car, you wouldn't yell, 'Hey, someone stop that mixed guy!'