Quotes & Jokes by Donald Glover

105 quotes

I was having sex with this girl. And we were towards the end. And she goes, “Fuck me hard with that n-word dick.” And I stop… look at her right in the eye… and I came harder that I ever cum before. It was so awesome, you guys… It was almost worth being black my entire life.

Why don't women have crazy men stories? I don't really hear them. And then I realized, it's because if you got a crazy boyfriend, you're going to die. Just something about men, the second they realize they're crazy, it's like, 'Time to kill everything I love.'

Suicide is kinda dumb to me. If I wanna kill myself I will. It’s not hard to die, I could do it like right now. But why is everybody pretending like everything’s ok, Everything’s not ok. We are more connected than we’ve ever been, But I feel more alone than I’ve ever been.

I had a 'Simpsons' and 'Everybody Hates Chris' spec and I remember thinking I was never going to hear from them again. Even after meeting with Tina, I left thinking I wasn't going to get it.

Bright lights, they tend to burn out fast. So I shine bright, but I'm scared that it won't last.

I lost my virginity junior year of college, I was 21… I was awkward, and I was raised Jehovah’s Witness so I thought sex was bad, I thought I was going to go to hell, and get AIDS immediately.

We lay out our lives in a narrative we understand, like a movie, but are you enjoying making it or are you wondering "who's watching my movie".

When you get called the n-word, as a black person you can do anything. It's like getting a gold star in Super Mario Brothers and junk. I hear the music when I hear the n-word. I get right into it; I get really into it. You can do anything. You could be in a fancy restaurant - just start throwing poop at the walls. People be like, 'What are you doing?' 'Someone called him the n-word.'

Most people think I'm Danny Glover's son when they meet me. So when they ask, I say 'No, I'm Crispin Glover's son.' Then we stare at each other for a long time.

We had a teacher, named Mr. Brown, and he was writing something on the board once - he was writing something on the board, and he farted. And you would have thought kids had seen the face of God. Kids weren't even laughing; they were just sitting there screaming, just screaming. Kids had to get carted out; kids were screaming. Kids had to get carted out, and they were going to the nurses' office. Kids are crying in the hallway. 'Oh, this is our 9/11.' And it was. It was their 9/11 'cause they never thought anything like that could ever happen.

We never went to Toys 'R' Us, we always went to fucking Auschwitz for kids - Home Depot.

You started rapping when you wasn’t good at basketball. I started rapping because I needed Adderall.

If you like strange, specific stuff - that's a nerd. Kanye West is a black nerd. He likes strange, specific stuff. If you go up to Kanye West and say, 'Hey, what are your favorite things?' He'll be like, 'Robots and teddy bears.' That's a nerd.

When he was coming up, people were like, 'We have a serious black candidate for president. This is crazy. We have a serious black candidate.' And then when he won, they were like, 'Our first multi-racial president.' And I was like, 'That's not fair.' I mean, let's set the record straight. If you went outside tonight after this show and Barack Obama was stealing your car, you wouldn't yell, 'Hey, someone stop that mixed guy!'

I write raps so sometimes I will write them in my iPhone. So I was writing the n-word in my iPhone and my iPhone goes, 'Did you mean niggardly?' And I was like, 'No iPhone. I meant nigger; write it.' But then, two weeks later, I was writing Jigga - which is the shortened form of Jay-Z. And my iPhone goes, 'Did you mean nigger?' And I went, 'Whoa, iPhone. You do not get to say that.'