Quotes & Jokes by Gilbert Gottfried / page 2


I've always felt sorry for Jesus 'cause you know no matter what he ever did, he could never live up to his father.

I host these bad movies late at night.

I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like it's crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like it's laughing. Nowadays, we would say, "How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask."

Unfortunately, I've never been mistaken as Johnny Depp.

With Katrina, it's almost like the sequel that doesn't live up to the original. It's certainly a shocking event and a tragedy, but somehow as a big event it doesn't seem to carry as much weight with the public as 9/11 did.

No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.

I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.

I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.