Quotes & Jokes by Gilbert Gottfried

27 quotes

What do you get when you cross a genius with a hooker? A fucking know-it-all.

Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?"

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says "I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers." The man goes "Thank god I don't have cancer."

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.

I always felt bad for Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa lived a whole life helping starving children and dying villages, but she could never be declared a saint 'cause she never actually performed a miracle. And it was towards the end, she was desperate to perform a miracle, so she would go up to starving children and go, 'What's that behind your ear? It's a quarter!'

If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.

Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, "Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me." And Jesus looked at me and said, "You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell."

Sometimes I'd sit and talk to Nostradamus and he'd just sit there go, "I know. I know." Once I went to movies with Nostradamus. I said, "Boy, what did you think of that ending?" He goes, "What? You didn’t see that coming?"

I've always felt sorry for Jesus 'cause you know no matter what he ever did, he could never live up to his father.

No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.

I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.

I've always said my career is somewhere between children's programming and hard-core porn.