Quotes & Jokes by Gilbert Gottfried
At the Last Supper how come no one sat on the other side of the table? See, I think originally there were people sitting on the other side but those were the people going, "You know, the air conditioning hits me right on the back on the neck."
Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?"
Sometimes I'd sit and talk to Nostradamus and he'd just sit there go, "I know. I know." Once I went to movies with Nostradamus. I said, "Boy, what did you think of that ending?" He goes, "What? You didn’t see that coming?"
What do you get when you cross a genius with a hooker? A fucking know-it-all.
A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says "I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers." The man goes "Thank god I don't have cancer."
Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.
How exactly do they prove that you've been masturbating? Do they dust for prints?
I always felt bad for Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa lived a whole life helping starving children and dying villages, but she could never be declared a saint 'cause she never actually performed a miracle. And it was towards the end, she was desperate to perform a miracle, so she would go up to starving children and go, 'What's that behind your ear? It's a quarter!'
The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.
I was talking to Jesus, and I said, "Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me." And Jesus looked at me and said, "You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell."
I've always said my career is somewhere between children's programming and hard-core porn.
Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.