Quotes & Jokes by Greg Proops / page 2


You sound heck-a-fun!

If you have a funny costume, you can't really wear it when you get older.

You leave white people alone in constant isolation for thousands of years, you know what their musical contribution is going to be?… Riverdance.

Let me tell you about Australia. It’s really, really, really, far from wherever you live on Earth. You fly and you fly and you fly. Then relativity takes over and you get younger and younger. And when you land, you’re a gleam in your father’s eye.

I think if you steal well, you’re a genius. If you copy badly, you’re a hack.

My feeling is, we ran from animals for three million years. It’s our time now. If a cow could eat you, it would. And it wouldn’t care how comfortable your truck ride over was, either.

Good evening, I am The Proclaimers.

How come we got the grumpy boat of bandy-legged Puritans? How come we didn't get the Italian party boat with the cappuccino makers and the gelato machine? That was the sexy boat, man.

I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.

It doesn't matter how much of an asshole you are, there was always someone who thought you were cool.

Talking to the British about sex is like talking to Americans about reading. Nobody does it so why talk about it?

I would never advocate the use of dope because, you know, I'm not a professional athlete and I don't have access to the good stuff.

Wine me, dine me, Deep Space Nine me.

In the world of poop, there’s only one Proopster. I’m Greg Proops, the Amazing Pooper Scooper!

I work for a few at home who are devoted. People who are up now. Either they have some sort of bladder problem or they're extremely drunk. This is my crowd, these are the people I hope to get.