Quotes & Jokes by Greg Proops / page 2

61 quotes

You leave white people alone in constant isolation for thousands of years, you know what their musical contribution is going to be?… Riverdance.

It doesn't matter how much of an asshole you are, there was always someone who thought you were cool.

I did stand up first in high school, joined an improv group in college, kept doing stand up after that, no one could deter me. And I have no other skills really, so I’m sorta stuck with this now. It’s a little late to switch over to an ornithologist.

I would never advocate the use of dope because, you know, I'm not a professional athlete and I don't have access to the good stuff.

My feeling is, we ran from animals for three million years. It’s our time now. If a cow could eat you, it would. And it wouldn’t care how comfortable your truck ride over was, either.

Now, we're Americans. Technically, who is from this country? Only the Indians, who we graciously let dwell on their native casinos.

I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.

I work for a few at home who are devoted. People who are up now. Either they have some sort of bladder problem or they're extremely drunk. This is my crowd, these are the people I hope to get.

I'm always looking for that place, you know, where there's no rednecks, that place where people get along, and I never find it. I went to Australia, right, and I thought Australia was gonna be a groovy, surfnoid, smoke-a-joint wombat, you know? 'G'day mate!' 'No worries!' And it's like Arkansas with a beach. It's a whole country with a 'No Fat Chicks' sticker on it.

Tequila is like acid in a glass.

I just feel like history is very much alive and important and I don’t, you know, I can’t worry about whether people get it or not, per se.

Good evening, I am The Proclaimers.

Do ten or fifteen minutes up front of likeable material and then go to your vile self.

How come we got the grumpy boat of bandy-legged Puritans? How come we didn't get the Italian party boat with the cappuccino makers and the gelato machine? That was the sexy boat, man.

I don't want comedy to be Bridesmaids 2. I'm not denigrating Bridesmaids but, enough already, let's stop pretending women are incalculably different to us. Seeking out podcasts, listening on headphones, it's like an intimate, specific conversation. People respond if it feels from the heart. I'm as neurotic a human being as lives, and I have my faults. I'm a drunk. But people really like that.