Quotes & Jokes by Greg Proops / page 2


I like to go to England, and I'll tell you why. I like to go to a country where I am considered the best-looking person. It's as simple as that. Hollywood, kind of a crushing ego blow - 'Hey Buddy Holly, you are so old, have you not perished in a plane crash?' But not in England, good God, not there. In England, God bless that dinky island, there it's, 'Good God, look at him. He has all his teeth and his ears are in proportion to his head.' I'm Brad bloody Pitt on that island.

My feeling is, we ran from animals for three million years. It’s our time now. If a cow could eat you, it would. And it wouldn’t care how comfortable your truck ride over was, either.

I would never advocate the use of dope because, you know, I'm not a professional athlete and I don't have access to the good stuff.

I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.

In the world of poop, there’s only one Proopster. I’m Greg Proops, the Amazing Pooper Scooper!

You leave white people alone in constant isolation for thousands of years, you know what their musical contribution is going to be?… Riverdance.

If you have a funny costume, you can't really wear it when you get older.

Honesty and unpopular opinions are the toughest sell in a country with an irony-deficiency.

I work for a few at home who are devoted. People who are up now. Either they have some sort of bladder problem or they're extremely drunk. This is my crowd, these are the people I hope to get.

Talking to the British about sex is like talking to Americans about reading. Nobody does it so why talk about it?

Good evening, I am The Proclaimers.

How come we got the grumpy boat of bandy-legged Puritans? How come we didn't get the Italian party boat with the cappuccino makers and the gelato machine? That was the sexy boat, man.

I think if you steal well, you’re a genius. If you copy badly, you’re a hack.

Do ten or fifteen minutes up front of likeable material and then go to your vile self.

Let me tell you about Australia. It’s really, really, really, far from wherever you live on Earth. You fly and you fly and you fly. Then relativity takes over and you get younger and younger. And when you land, you’re a gleam in your father’s eye.