Quotes & Jokes about Animals

33 quotes

To me nature is… spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plans, and animals eating… It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it.

What is it with the animals with the bikes? I took my daughter to the circus. She said: "Daddy, how do they teach a bear how to ride a bike?" I said: It's easy, they nail his feet to the pedals and they beat the shit out of him. He's not riding, he's running. He just happens to be attached to the bike.

If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.

It’s our first date but I don’t want to go on a date. I wanted to do it in the daylight with animals so it couldn’t be misconstrued as anything in case he’s the worst.

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. Done!

Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.

And there’s others like taxidermist! You can’t just go, “Oh, I was just working at the chip shop, and I just started stuffing animals with sand,” you know? You’ve gotta want to be! “I want to be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. I wanna get more sand into an animal than anybody has ever bloody got in one. I wanna fill a rat with the entire Gobi Desert, so it’s really quite tight.”

Other animals could have secret talents, like tigers might be good with banjos.

There is something going on now in Mexico that I happen to think is cruelty to animals. What I'm talking about, of course, is cat juggling.

Animals don't have anyone to protect them. If we don't stand up, the people who are harming animals will never get stopped.

Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.

Animals have two vital functions in today's society: to be delicious and to fit well.

My ex girlfriend kept stuffed animals all over her bed. It really killed the mood. Because she was a taxidermist.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie - just a quick sniff, "Alright, let's go."