Quotes & Jokes by Iliza Shlesinger / page 2
I don’t tend to like race jokes. I don’t like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I’m both. Well, I’m not black - but if I was then I could dance better.
It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It’s not so much about being a girl, it’s about being a funny comic.
When you get off stage, the audience should know a little bit about you. Not where you are from, but how you see the world. And that’s the difference between like a Chris Rock joke, and like an open-miker.
Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out.
You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches.
I didn’t “date” in college, I kind of always had a boyfriend. Just because I make jokes on a dating show doesn’t mean I’m Carrie Bradshaw.
When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be "great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too."
Never laugh at your significant other when they're having an orgasm. That is their time to shine.
If I could have any job I would be a cat… but that’s not something I’m supposed to talk about in public.
The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.
As a comedian, as an entertainer, there's a lot of downtime. Once you can accept that comedy is a marathon, not a sprint, it gets a little easier.
There are two types of men: those who are intimated by a girl like me, and those who are not. You don't have to like me, but you don't have to be a dick about it. And after a lifetime of dealing with this, I'm pretty well-equipped, verbally, to cut anyone down at any time.
I don’t come up with ideas, they come to me. I write them down and try to convey what's wrong with me to the audience as best I can.
Everyone has their personal topics. My comedy has always been very strong on observational humor, it stems from what I see every day in my life.