Quotes & Jokes by Iliza Shlesinger / page 2

35 quotes

I didn’t “date” in college, I kind of always had a boyfriend. Just because I make jokes on a dating show doesn’t mean I’m Carrie Bradshaw.

You can’t go to the bathroom alone… you might not come back. Cause no girl’s ever been to the bathroom alone and survived. It’s true. The last woman that attempted it, it was 1937 and her name was Amelia Earhart.

There are two types of men: those who are intimated by a girl like me, and those who are not. You don't have to like me, but you don't have to be a dick about it. And after a lifetime of dealing with this, I'm pretty well-equipped, verbally, to cut anyone down at any time.

When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be "great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too."

The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.

Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out.

The next time you're out wherever you go to meet boys - a bar, a club, Little Caesars, whatever you like to do - and you see a guy that's hot, go up to him and punch him in the face. If you're hot, he'll be like, 'That was really cute. Why did you punch me? You're so adorable, that didn't hurt. Come back, let me show you how to punch. Don't put your thumb in, you'll break it. Let me cup your boob uncomfortably while I show you this.' If you're ugly - boom. He's knocking you out 'cause no guy's going to take that from an ugly chick.

This isn’t a bra, it’s body armor. And this isn’t make up, it’s war paint.

I was in New York last Christmas - it's snowing; there's a guy in a t-shirt. I'm like, 'Dude, aren't you cold?' 'No, I'm from New York. I don't get cold.' Just 'cause you're from a cold place doesn't mean you're genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. You're not a penguin. I was like, 'In fact, sir, you're Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold.'

You look like the kind of woman who dates guys in prision.

As a comedian, as an entertainer, there's a lot of downtime. Once you can accept that comedy is a marathon, not a sprint, it gets a little easier.

If I could have any job I would be a cat… but that’s not something I’m supposed to talk about in public.

I don’t come up with ideas, they come to me. I write them down and try to convey what's wrong with me to the audience as best I can.

This isn’t a bra, it’s body armor. And this isn’t make up, it’s war paint.

Everyone has their personal topics. My comedy has always been very strong on observational humor, it stems from what I see every day in my life.