Quotes & Jokes by Iliza Shlesinger
The weekend represents the 48 hours that you have to fuck up the life you worked so hard for all week.
Most modern girls don’t really know what hiking is. To the average girl, hiking is: you wake up whenever you want; you put on Lululemon ‘cause they make your butt look unreasonably good - and they should for 800 fucking dollars - and you go for a walk in the park with your best friend and complain about how hungover you are. That’s hiking.
I wasn't a 'hot chick' in high school. I was 'funny' and a tomboy and probably a little uncomfortable with my amazing boobs.
I grew up watching and admiring Adam Sandler, it started with “Saturday Night Live and his albums, then I became a huge fan of his movies. “SNL”, “Kids in the Hall,” and “In Living Color” – their characters were huge influences and eye openers to other worlds of comedy for me.
I learned this one growing up in Texas and, subsequently, living in Los Angeles: always use the 'usted' form when speaking to a Spanish official. Mexican border patrol cops don't like it when you call them 'amigo,' give them a hardy pat on the back, slip a $20 in their pocket. No bueno, it doesn't fly. By the way, those of you not laughing at that obviously took French in high school, and that was a gay choice.
Ladies, just know that when you grow your hair too long, you got about two inches difference between really hot, sexy supermodel - religious fanatic. Hot Maxim cover girl everybody wants a mouth kiss - unhealthy faith in your lord. Soft, silky, shiny hair everyone wants to touch - one of 12 brides.
When you're missing your two front teeth, that's honesty. That is a door to your oral history. You're not covering anything up. You're saying, 'Hey world, I'm missing my front teeth. I'm gross; I'm dirty; I'm poor. I clearly have no problem with public urination and eating garbage. Don't come near me, I'll gum you to death!'
It’s our first date but I don’t want to go on a date. I wanted to do it in the daylight with animals so it couldn’t be misconstrued as anything in case he’s the worst.
I'm not even 1000% sure that polar bears exist. How do you know? Why, 'cause Coca-Cola puts them on their can during Christmas? They also put Santa Claus, what's your fucking point?
I always wished my dad was there to intimidate my boyfriends or something. It's supposed to be your dad giving your guys friends the stink-eye for sneaking beer through your house, not your mom.
It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It’s not so much about being a girl, it’s about being a funny comic.
I don't hate other women. Let me rephrase that: I hate other women and men - people in general can be annoying - but I've never disliked a woman for being beautiful.
Both are salty, one will give me carpal tunnel, I’ll go with the fries.
I don’t tend to like race jokes. I don’t like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I’m both. Well, I’m not black - but if I was then I could dance better.
You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches.