Quotes and Jokes by Iliza Shlesinger

Iliza Vie Shlesinger is an American comedian. She was the 2008 winner of NBC's Last Comic Standing and went on to host the syndicated dating show Excused and the TBS comedy/game show Separation Anxiety. In 2017, she briefly hosted her own late-night talk show called Truth & Iliza on Freeform.

Top 15 Quotes (out of 33)

#1

The weekend represents the 48 hours that you have to fuck up the life you worked so hard for all week.

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#2

I wasn't a 'hot chick' in high school. I was 'funny' and a tomboy and probably a little uncomfortable with my amazing boobs.

155
#3

Most modern girls don’t really know what hiking is. To the average girl, hiking is: you wake up whenever you want; you put on Lululemon ‘cause they make your butt look unreasonably good - and they should for 800 fucking dollars - and you go for a walk in the park with your best friend and complain about how hungover you are. That’s hiking.

135
#4

This isn’t a bra, it’s body armor. And this isn’t make up, it’s war paint.

119
#5

I grew up watching and admiring Adam Sandler, it started with “Saturday Night Live and his albums, then I became a huge fan of his movies. “SNL”, “Kids in the Hall,” and “In Living Color” – their characters were huge influences and eye openers to other worlds of comedy for me.

105
#6

Both are salty, one will give me carpal tunnel, I’ll go with the fries.

60
#7

I always wished my dad was there to intimidate my boyfriends or something. It's supposed to be your dad giving your guys friends the stink-eye for sneaking beer through your house, not your mom.

46
#8

You can’t go to the bathroom alone… you might not come back. Cause no girl’s ever been to the bathroom alone and survived. It’s true. The last woman that attempted it, it was 1937 and her name was Amelia Earhart.

46
#9

Ladies, just know that when you grow your hair too long, you got about two inches difference between really hot, sexy supermodel - religious fanatic. Hot Maxim cover girl everybody wants a mouth kiss - unhealthy faith in your lord. Soft, silky, shiny hair everyone wants to touch - one of 12 brides.

38
#10

The next time you're out wherever you go to meet boys - a bar, a club, Little Caesars, whatever you like to do - and you see a guy that's hot, go up to him and punch him in the face. If you're hot, he'll be like, 'That was really cute. Why did you punch me? You're so adorable, that didn't hurt. Come back, let me show you how to punch. Don't put your thumb in, you'll break it. Let me cup your boob uncomfortably while I show you this.' If you're ugly - boom. He's knocking you out 'cause no guy's going to take that from an ugly chick.

29
#11

When you're missing your two front teeth, that's honesty. That is a door to your oral history. You're not covering anything up. You're saying, 'Hey world, I'm missing my front teeth. I'm gross; I'm dirty; I'm poor. I clearly have no problem with public urination and eating garbage. Don't come near me, I'll gum you to death!'

24
#12

It’s our first date but I don’t want to go on a date. I wanted to do it in the daylight with animals so it couldn’t be misconstrued as anything in case he’s the worst.

23
#13

I don’t tend to like race jokes. I don’t like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I’m both. Well, I’m not black - but if I was then I could dance better.

23
#14

The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.

20
#15

I learned this one growing up in Texas and, subsequently, living in Los Angeles: always use the 'usted' form when speaking to a Spanish official. Mexican border patrol cops don't like it when you call them 'amigo,' give them a hardy pat on the back, slip a $20 in their pocket. No bueno, it doesn't fly. By the way, those of you not laughing at that obviously took French in high school, and that was a gay choice.

13