Quotes & Jokes by Lenny Bruce / page 2

Children ought to watch pornographic movies: it's healthier than learning about sex from Hollywood.

All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I'd be standing on the breadline right in back of J. Edgar Hoover.

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't "taper off." You've got to quit, cold jerky!

That's where the conflict starts. We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and a $500-a-night hooker.

Communism is like one big phone company.

Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.

The thing with Catholicism, the same as all religions, is that it teaches what should be, which seems rather incorrect. This is ''what should be.'' Now, if you're taught to live up to a ''what should be'' that never existed - only an occult superstition, no proof of this ''should be'' - then you can sit on a jury and indict easily, you can cast the first stone, you can burn Adolf Eichmann, like that!

If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time... they're gone.

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

The whole motivation for any performer is "Look at me, Ma".

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.

I've been accused of bad taste, and I'll go down to my grave accused of it and always by the same people, the ones who eat in restaurants that reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.