Quotes & Jokes by Richard Belzer


The only time Chevy Chase has a funny bone in his body is when I fuck him in the ass.

There`s a division in most major police departments called, `Special Victims Unit,` which is what sex crimes are euphemistically called. They`re considered the most heinous crimes, when not only do you violate somebody, but you violate them sexually. So it`s an elite squad that takes care of that.

Anybody who thinks there's not a vast right-wing conspiracy in this country must also think that Ken Starr should be our next ambassador to Luxembourg.

If you tell a lie that's big enough, and you tell it often enough, people will believe you're telling the truth, even if what you're saying is total crap.

No one is questioning the nobility and honor of these men and women that are serving and what they're doing. No one questions that. Now they're targets and they're not going out, they're just protecting each other and they're in the middle of a civil war. So it's really not fair to have these people, who volunteered their lives to protect our nation under false pretenses, to now be targets.

Munch is the guy who says what a lot of people wouldn't dare say.

It's this patronizing thing that people have about if you're against the war everyone's lumped together. You know, the soldiers are not scholars, they're not war experts.

I've known Chevy Chase for so long, I actually knew him when he was funny!