Quotes & Jokes by Richard Jeni / page 4


Married or Single? There is no good choice. It’s like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?

We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

When on guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case. Ten people see him it's a cult. Ten million people see him it's a respected religion.

I wanted a bumper sticker that wouldn't be controversial. On my bumper sticker it says, “I'd rather be coming”.

Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.

It's better to be alone than to wish you were alone.

Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.

In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.

An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.

There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

I think there are people on other planets looking at us and going, “Oh yeah, the Earth, we used to have a place there, but then that whole neighbourhood went”.

This is the guy I'll be thinking about when I put a gun to my head.