Quotes & Jokes about Religion

99 quotes

The war is really about religion. The war's between Jesus and Muhammad. The Christians say Jesus is the messenger. Muslims say Muhammad is the messenger. Who gives a expletive who the messenger is did you get the message?

If Jesus can walk on water can he swim on land?

I'm not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don't have a good story behind it, I'm just reasonable.

What do eggs have to do with Jesus Christ? I understand Christmas. Three wise men show up with gifts, 'I love you.' Symbolism, I get that. How did the egg thing happen? Did somebody walk up to somebody else, 'Hey, did you hear? Jesus rose from the dead.' 'Hide the eggs! Hide the eggs! We gotta trick Jesus. Paint the eggs pink or purple. Put them in the park! Trick Jesus!'

Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.

When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.

I learned early on, stay away from politics, stay away from religion and don't talk about sports. Those three right there will get you in trouble.

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man... living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

Who do you think was better: Jesus or Buddha; I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified?

I'm not an atheist. I think god is there and that he is watching and he made us. I just don't give a shit. I don't "believe in god." I have zero idea how everything got here. I would personally say that, if i had to make a list of possibles, God would be pretty far down. But if I were to make a list of people that know what the fuck they are talking about, I would be really far down.

The Virgin Mary... We have a whole religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story.

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

Religion is like a pair of shoes... Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

The only appropriate attitude for man to have about the big questions, is not the arrogant certitude that is the hallmark of religion, but doubt. Doubt is humble and that is what man needs to be, considering that human history is just a litany of getting shit dead wrong.

I will tell you, that you Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop?! It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it!