Quotes & Jokes about Religion

99 quotes

The war is really about religion. The war's between Jesus and Muhammad. The Christians say Jesus is the messenger. Muslims say Muhammad is the messenger. Who gives a expletive who the messenger is did you get the message?

I'm not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don't have a good story behind it, I'm just reasonable.

When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.

If Jesus can walk on water can he swim on land?

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

I learned early on, stay away from politics, stay away from religion and don't talk about sports. Those three right there will get you in trouble.

I'm not an atheist. I think god is there and that he is watching and he made us. I just don't give a shit. I don't "believe in god." I have zero idea how everything got here. I would personally say that, if i had to make a list of possibles, God would be pretty far down. But if I were to make a list of people that know what the fuck they are talking about, I would be really far down.

What do eggs have to do with Jesus Christ? I understand Christmas. Three wise men show up with gifts, 'I love you.' Symbolism, I get that. How did the egg thing happen? Did somebody walk up to somebody else, 'Hey, did you hear? Jesus rose from the dead.' 'Hide the eggs! Hide the eggs! We gotta trick Jesus. Paint the eggs pink or purple. Put them in the park! Trick Jesus!'

The Virgin Mary... We have a whole religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story.

Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.

You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the North."

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man... living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe. I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out. So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.

I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I was very young, gave me a top to play with. They called it a dreidel. I knew it was a top. And as I looked at that top, I said, 'You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long.'

Who do you think was better: Jesus or Buddha; I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified?