Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 4
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks".
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."