Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 25

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.'

Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"

My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

My father was a small claims court jester.

What is the speed of dark?

I'm a peripheral visionary.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.