Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1082

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

Everything that people say is testable.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

How can there be self-help groups?

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!

I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?