Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1082

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you'll probably never get it back. If you let people down, that's really hard to come back from - harder than climbing from nothing to something, even.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

I like to think of murder-suicide as "extreme multitasking".

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.