Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1082

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

Passover is a ritual dinner where we talk about the story of the exodus of the Jews out of Egypt. And we have a service and a meal. Then there’s the sacrifice of a live Christian baby and dessert. My family doesn’t do that, but orthodox…

I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.

You might be a redneck if your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

Maniac, depressed, and a schizophrenic. My umbilical cord was a crazy straw.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.