Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1082
To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.
If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.
I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: 'And so Kathy and I went shopping and we' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way.
I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we’re taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.
There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.
I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"