Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): ... it seems that liberals and godless tax raisers are trying to make me look bad, by using such things as facts ... and scientific data ...

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

Listen, I would call the French scum bags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

I can't stop some idiot from crashing into a building or blowing up a bus, I can only be your dad and give you a few pure truths. Number one, duct tape will save your life. Number two, Tupac is alive, but I need you to keep that on the DL because of Suge. And number three, don't be afraid of anything - except the television news because they're lying to you every night.

Maniac, depressed, and a schizophrenic. My umbilical cord was a crazy straw.

I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.

We don’t have home movies in my family. We have people’s exhibit A.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.