Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.
Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"
I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."
When did our elections become the Special Olympics? You're not all winners. Not everyone gets a hug. You guys got crushed.
I hated my last boss. He asked, “Why are you two hours late?” I said, “I fell downstairs.” He said, “That doesn’t take two hours.”
The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.
Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.
On stage you're free. You can say and do things that if you said and did any place else, you'd be arrested.
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.
As long as they're homophobic behind closed doors, and don't hurt anyone, I'm fine with it.
I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?
This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.
We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.