Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1083

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, "Oh, he is that stupid."

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

You might be a redneck if you clean your nails with a stick.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.