Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1083

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.