Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1083

So, do you live around here often?

We'd always sworn, we're taking 60 Minutes down. You, Frontline, all you guys. You're meat.

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

I could never sit down and write jokes.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

At no time do I come from a cynical point of view. I'm coming from a concerned point of view.

Vengeance, is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the daisies. But, you need something really bad to take vengeance for. Like, your girl friend hogs the chocolate milk. No. But, your girl friend drags you into therapy and lets your family secretly watch while you weep, well, I think even the daisies want to kick a little girl friend ass. And, the worst part about it, is that she apologised. Gave me a back rub and we had the best sex we ever had. What kind of manipulative crap is that?

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

I thought the purpose of education was to learn to think for yourself.

I’m whitie and I apologize.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?