Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1083
Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny.
History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.
An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.
People who call themselves divas...you are not a diva. I'm pretty sure you're a cunt.
I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.
I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'
I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like "Ladies and Gentlemen". That'll be a cool name for a kid. "This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen!" Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please!"
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
You may be a redneck if... you think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
That’s America for you - a red herring culture, always scared of the wrong things. The fact is, there are a lot of creepy middle-aged men out there lusting for your kids. They work for MTV, the pharmaceutical industry, McDonald’s, Marlboro and K Street.
Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you've never sung before, and you realize you've never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, 'Life in the Fast Lane?' That's what they're saying right there? You think, 'why have I been singing 'wipe in the vaseline?' how many people have heard me sing 'wipe in the vaseline?' I am an idiot.