Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1083
Maniac, depressed, and a schizophrenic. My umbilical cord was a crazy straw.
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 – stop humping the toaster!
Anyone who is elected mayor of a place called "Sin City" is allowed to be a drunk.
One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"
Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!' I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'
I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.