Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1137

You might be a redneck if you consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

You kinda wish a girl would bleed a little bit from the head during that time so you know before you approach her at the bar.

A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.

The media tells me what I find attractive in a woman? I think my dick tells me what I find attractive in a woman.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss.

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 – stop humping the toaster!

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

In 20 years of comedy, I’ve probably had a dozen good points.

Just for the record my Arab friends, i dont do any Arab jokes in my act. Its not that i dont think you are funny. It's just .. I dont know, i dont wanna..... die?

There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on.

There’s only one joke that I do in England that doesn’t work in the States. It goes: ‘There was no place to eat last night, so I went to a kebab shop and had a doner. Which my body rejected.’ But you don’t get doners in America. They don’t exist.