Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1137

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

You are the director of your own life story. Don’t cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.

Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what’s theirs, meet the people, because they’re really, really, bafoons.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What’s even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Bidnick gorges himself on Viagra, but the dosage makes him hallucinate and causes him to imagine he is Pliny the Elder.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

First of all, I'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.

For men there are costumes like "fireman," "policeman" and "vampire." For women there are costumes like "slutty fireman," "slutty policeman" and "slutty vampire."

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.