Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1137

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? "Give me your cell number."

I'm afraid of the guy judging me because I don't want him to think I'm some sort of a freaky pervert. So now when I rent porn, I'll actually get a 'Dirty Debutantes' and 'Citizen Kane.' He knows I'm a masturbating loser, but I'm a sophisticated masturbating loser.

This is how youre supposed to feel every day. This is what I should have felt like my whole life! I always thought I was going to die before I was 60. My father died of a heart attack in his 40s. Im not an idiot. The writing was on the wall.

There's this whole post-modern, nuevo beatnik, retro-bohemian thing going on, you know what I mean? You walk into some coffee shops, and it feels like you're an ex-patriot in Paris in the 20s. You're like, 'Hey, isn't that a young Ernest Hemingway over there? Yeah, I think it is! Hey, let's go have a look and see what he's writing... It's a Gap application.'

When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, "I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty."

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

Your head is as empty as a hermit's address book.

Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.'

Last year, I donated $10,000 to deprived inner-city kids. Not... voluntarily...

What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part?

If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!