Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1138
He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.
My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.
If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?
Did you know that a single fur coat takes 14 trees just for the protest signs?
I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.
I enjoy fame except when I'm with my daughter. Kids stop me all the time and I don't want her to be jealous of the attention. Also, sometimes I just want to be left alone and I refuse to make rubber faces. That's when they start asking, "What's the matter, man, don't you like your job?" I say, "Yeah, I like my job. But I also like having sex, and I'm not going to do that in front of you either."
I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: ’Don’t do that.’ You never see that these days. ‘Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.’ Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.
It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
There was a big study in Boston, Harvard, a big medical test. Rats would rather starve than not do a Quayle joke.
Every group is racist. White folks will see a group of Indian people and they’re like, “Look at all those brown people, they’re probably all very happy together.” Then you get in that group and like, “Hey, you from India? I’m from India. What part? No, not that part. Go to hell you dirty bastard.”