Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1138

When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, "I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty."

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

Your head is as empty as a hermit's address book.

Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.'

Last year, I donated $10,000 to deprived inner-city kids. Not... voluntarily...

If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.