Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1138

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

You talk about the Pro-Life movement being one of the great shames of our nation. I think, if you want number two, I think - I think it's that. I think it's absolute - it's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt that some strands were more important than others.

George Bush hates midgets.

All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.

I'm afraid of the guy judging me because I don't want him to think I'm some sort of a freaky pervert. So now when I rent porn, I'll actually get a 'Dirty Debutantes' and 'Citizen Kane.' He knows I'm a masturbating loser, but I'm a sophisticated masturbating loser.

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

Jesus said the meek would inherit the earth, but so far all we've gotten is Minnesota and North Dakota.

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

There's this whole post-modern, nuevo beatnik, retro-bohemian thing going on, you know what I mean? You walk into some coffee shops, and it feels like you're an ex-patriot in Paris in the 20s. You're like, 'Hey, isn't that a young Ernest Hemingway over there? Yeah, I think it is! Hey, let's go have a look and see what he's writing... It's a Gap application.'

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.