Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1138

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back?<br /> My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.

A lot of the struggle I had with movies is I really loved moments and tones and feelings in a scene, and I loved creating those, but I never really had great stories to string them together.

It's low self-esteem. I understand; I was brought up with it. I go on the road - when I do concerts, I bring a portable Wailing Wall. I'm always prepared.

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea...

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."

It's a book. It's mine. And it's done.

Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.

People watching me, I feel like Amber Rose’s tits

I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

They say, "you only hurt the one" you love, so thankfully I'm off the hook.

Sometimes, when you get a girl pregnant, you blame the condom. His condom broke that night.

My book editor asked me if I wanted an extension and I told him, it's okay, I'm happy with the length of my penis.