Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1136
A guy recently came up to me and said, "Bob, you are the shit." I said "Thank you for adding the word 'the.'"
And to those people with no children but who think they'd like to have them some day to fulfill their lives. Remember: With fulfillment comes responsibility.
It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.
Something tells me that Mitt Romney’s sex face is the same as his regular face.
I got my hair highlighted because I felt that some strands were more important than others.
He writes so well he makes me feel like putting the quill back in the goose.
You know what I like to do when I'm at Blockbuster? You know the quick- drop that they have there? I like to stick my penis in there. And then look at the help and say, "Have you seen this, is this any good?"
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.
The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.
[On George W. Bush] He does have that weird mixture of born again Christian and stupid that some people mistake for courage and focus.