Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1136
I'm going to name drop like an idiot now, but Bono rang me up once, right? I don't know how he got my number, but I, ever so stupidly, and obviously thought it was one of my mates mocking about. So I was like, "Yeah, whatever." And it was him, but I even went to him, "That's not even a good Irish accent!"
When did our elections become the Special Olympics? You're not all winners. Not everyone gets a hug. You guys got crushed.
I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".
Full House gave me Tourette's. We would be on the set, and, action! "Okay, Michelle, you can't have a horse in the house." and, cut! "Cock shit fuck!"
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What’s even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.
For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.
School did give me one of the greatest gifts of my life, though. I learned how to read, and for that I remain thankful. I would have died otherwise. As soon as I was able, I read, alone. Under the covers with a flashlight or in my corner of the attic - I sought solace in books. It was from books that I started to get an inkling of the kinds of assholes I was dealing with. I found allies too, in books, characters my age who were going through or had triumphed against the same bullshit.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.