Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1136

It's go time! And by "go" I mean "go sit down".

You might be a redneck if your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

My family only looked human in fun house mirrors.

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: "If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus."

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

The waiters in France could all be senators in the US.

If it weren’t for my adam’s apple, I’d have no shape at all.

There’s only one joke that I do in England that doesn’t work in the States. It goes: ‘There was no place to eat last night, so I went to a kebab shop and had a doner. Which my body rejected.’ But you don’t get doners in America. They don’t exist.

I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

You might be a redneck if you fainted when you met Slim Whitman.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?