Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 202
I knew I loved it because I could take the failures. I was like a professional fighter - they're beat 20 times in a row and they just want that one win.
Home in bed listening to the rain getting ready to order a pizza. Sounds like a song til the last part.
I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.
I have been in kind of a sexual dry spell lately. In the past few years I’ve only had sex in months that end in "arch"... in years that have an Olympics.
I'm still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, "Give me a gun, I'll wipe out the whole German Army in five minutes." He said, "You're crazy!" I said, "Write it down!"
Be prepared to cut your little extra lines that come after a big punchline and move on to the next joke or routine to give your set more punch and crispness. You can keep them in your set, but if the audience applauds your big line, don’t do your tag when it dies down, just move on.
Stand-up is live, so I'm used to being live for most of my career. It's interesting.
In America, "Qualification" is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.
I believe it is important for comedians to know who came before them.
L.A. I love it. Everybody’s a superstar. A guy will tell you, "Yeah, I’m a producer." And he’s driving a cab.
I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know when I failed eight other students around me failed too.
I was born when my dad was 50… It’s weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We’d go to the movies, we’re both getting discounts.
My friend goes, 'If you're going to use Rogaine, just put it somewhere you're going to remember to use it everyday.' So I put it right next to my Prozac. But now it just feels really pathetic using both of these products at the same time, 'cause if either one works, I don't really need the other one.