Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 202

They're not the sharpest people - babies. So, you must be everything to them.

The other day I started to take a course in psycho-ceramics. What is psycho-ceramics? It's the study of crackpots.

If you tell a lie that's big enough, and you tell it often enough, people will believe you're telling the truth, even if what you're saying is total crap.

I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World.

You know when I'm down to my socks it's time for business. That's why they're called business socks. It's business, it's business time.

Home in bed listening to the rain getting ready to order a pizza. Sounds like a song til the last part.

The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.

Well, I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts.

A long time ago there was a lot of people... but that was a long time ago.

If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.

I got a wedgie coming down from the ceiling in the swing and my leg fell asleep!

I describe myself to people as a "history buff." It just sounds better than "Holocaust buff."

Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspiren? I think I've got a cold."

One time I visited my mother and found St. Anthony's statue upside down. I say, 'Mama, why's St. Anthony upside down?' 'He don't answer my novena, he stays that way!'

I used to walk into a party and scan the room for attractive women. Now I look for women to hold my baby so I can eat potato salad sitting down.