Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 203
I got a wedgie coming down from the ceiling in the swing and my leg fell asleep!
I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"
There’s a lot of controversy online, some people say i’m a genius and other say i’m hugely talented.
Banks have a new image. Now you have a friend, your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
I hated the summer jobs I had when I was a teenager. They were so mundane and repetitious, they deadened my soul. On the bright side, it was good training for this job.
We need to try to work out something so folks can be there. We're going to try to find some solution so we don't have to keep repeating ourselves during the regular meeting. I think it is a board issue, but we're just going to try to make some suggestions. We would be open to doing the meetings at a different time.
Even if I'm aroused, my penis is in the shape of a question mark.
In the original script, my character was a basketball player rather than a boxer. I didn’t think I could pull that off. I’m a little short to be a basketball player!
"If you got it, flaunt it" may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else.
You can get tested now for early onset Alzheimer's. Hold on a second, could someone hire a marching band, cause I'm so happy I feel like having a parade. You mean I can find out early if I'm going to die of a super horrible disease that there's no cure for? Well, whoopee!
If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to fucking leave.
You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.
There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan's advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is still in.
If you're not happy before you're successful, you're going to be miserable when you do become successful because all your problems just get magnified.