Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 203
They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.
It’s a Spice Girl party & since we’re missing one I’m the new one Specky Spice.
I didn't do real well. I bombed. Something inside me told me to keep trying because I had nothing to lose. I gave it another shot, and I still bombed, but I got one laugh. And that laugh gave me encouragement to continue for the next seven years.
On a night like this, I like to punish my schlong like I caught it breaking into my house.
You're taught as a child, when an old person says something to you, you don't talk back. But now I am an adult, I let their ass have it, you hear me? I'm in church Sunday; I spot this old lady. I said, 'Hey ma'am, how you doing?' She said, 'Hey baby, how big you goin' get?' I said, 'How old you goin' get?' She got mad, 'You fat ass,' 'You old bitch - we're in church now!'
If you tell a lie that's big enough, and you tell it often enough, people will believe you're telling the truth, even if what you're saying is total crap.
I got a wedgie coming down from the ceiling in the swing and my leg fell asleep!
I think there is much more storytelling in stand-up now. Less emphasis on the joke. Jokes are still important, but it feels like a more intimate and personal experience these days.
We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like "We have to get rid of dictators", but he's pretty much one himself.
More details coming out about Michael Jackson. It seems his 13-year-old accuser testified before a grand jury that Michael had seven locks on his bedroom door. See, what happened was whenever Michael would install one lock, the kid would grow an inch taller, and he’d have to put in another one, and then another one, and then another one.
Did you ever reach a point in your life, where you say to yourself, 'This is the best I'm ever going to look, the best I'm ever going to feel, the best I'm ever going to do,' and it ain't that great?
The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.
Purim, one of my favorite holidays. It's like the original drag queen's holiday. It's when all the Jewish men go for it and feel no guilt for a change.