Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 201
Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
My older brother was cool, so I was suddenly cool by association. And I totally dusted all my old math friends.
Did you ever reach a point in your life, where you say to yourself, 'This is the best I'm ever going to look, the best I'm ever going to feel, the best I'm ever going to do,' and it ain't that great?
I'm the only actress in Hollywood who didn't pay to have these lips.
I believe it is important for comedians to know who came before them.
They celebrate Thanksgiving in England, by the way. It’s called “Fuck off puritan!”
Purim, one of my favorite holidays. It's like the original drag queen's holiday. It's when all the Jewish men go for it and feel no guilt for a change.
I'm under stress. They killed me on wikipedia. They killed me. And I didn't stay dead long enough to sell no DVDs. I didn't even stay dead long enough - I was too stupid. I should've stayed low. I should've laid low. I could've been gone for a year; I'd have made money. And then I'd have risen from the dead.
We had our family tree done... turns out I'm a quarter gay on my father's side.
I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"
On a night like this, I like to punish my schlong like I caught it breaking into my house.
I knew I loved it because I could take the failures. I was like a professional fighter - they're beat 20 times in a row and they just want that one win.
Stand up straight. If you stand up straight, you will instantly feel better about yourself, and you will project a better image to the world, one that says you don't feel like you have to be hunched over and closed off.