Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 201
I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"
I'm the only actress in Hollywood who didn't pay to have these lips.
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
And don't forget to fasten your condoms! Seatbelts, I mean seatbelts.
In Seattle, they have a saying: ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.’
It's hard for your mom to tell you she has an oral fixation and has to have something in her mouth. My step dad is in the kitchen winking at me. You down with OPP, yeah you know me. Exciting is and a special... What? Easy, and why do you know all the words? That's weird.
"What the fuck why is the floor all sticky". Then the guy in front of me says "I just came".
Walking back and forth also helps by creating the illusion that you are thinking of the routines on the spot, giving your performance a more spontaneous feeling.
I wish the iPhone people would design one that's black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.
They didn't have to describe Jesus to me for me to know he's black. Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding. Now if that ain't black folk, I don't know what is.
They celebrate Thanksgiving in England, by the way. It’s called “Fuck off puritan!”